Just Remembering...

Your eyes.
Your lips.
Your tongue.
Your teeth.
Your hands.
Your fingers.
Your skin.
Your hard cock.

my turn

I've never (statements in bold are true):

I've Never Kissed A Member Of The Opposite Sex
I've Never Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
I've Never Crashed A Friend's Car
I've Never Been To Japan
I've Never Been In A Taxi
I've Never Been In Love
I've Never Had Sex In Public
I've Never Been Dumped
I've Never Done Cocaine
I've Never Shoplifted
I've Never Been Fired
I've Never Been In A Fist Fight
I've Never Had Group Intercourse (3, 4, and more)
I've Never Snuck Out Of My Parents' House
I've Never Been Tied Up (kinda)
I've Never Regretted Having Sex With Someone
I've Never Been Arrested
I've Never Made Out With A Stranger
I've Never Stolen Something From My Job
I've Never Celebrated New Years In Time Square
I've Never Gone On A Blind Date
I've Never Lied To A Friend
I've Never Had A Crush On A Teacher
I've Never Celebrated Mardi Gras In New Orleans
I've Never Been To Europe
I've Never Skipped School
I've Never Slept With A Co-Worker
I've Never Cut Myself On Purpose
I've Never Had Sex At The Office
I've Never Been Married
I've Never Been Divorced
I've Never Had Sex With More Than One Person Within The Same Week
I've Never Posed Nude
I've Never Gotten Someone Drunk Just To Have Sex With Them
I've Never Killed Anyone
I've Never Received Scars From My Sex Partner (not lasting ones anyway)
I've Never Thrown Up In A Bar
I've Never Purposely Set A Part Of Myself On Fire
I've Never Eaten Sushi
I've Never Been Snowboarding
I've Never Had Sex At A Friend's House While They Were Throwing A Party
I've Never Had Sex In A Dressing Room
I've Never Flashed Anyone
I've Never Met Anyone From Online

On The Lighter Side

I've never (statements in bold are true):

I've Never Kissed A Member Of The Opposite Sex
I've Never Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
I've Never Crashed A Friend's Car
I've Never Been To Japan
I've Never Been In A Taxi
I've Never Been In Love
I've Never Had Sex In Public
I've Never Been Dumped
I've Never Done Cocaine
I've Never Shoplifted
I've Never Been Fired
I've Never Been In A Fist Fight
I've Never Had Group Intercourse (3, 4, and more)
I've Never Snuck Out Of My Parents' House
I've Never Been Tied Up
I've Never Regretted Having Sex With Someone
I've Never Been Arrested
I've Never Made Out With A Stranger
I've Never Stolen Something From My Job
I've Never Celebrated New Years In Time Square
I've Never Gone On A Blind Date
I've Never Lied To A Friend
I've Never Had A Crush On A Teacher
I've Never Celebrated Mardi Gras In New Orleans
I've Never Been To Europe
I've Never Skipped School
I've Never Slept With A Co-Worker
I've Never Cut Myself On Purpose
I've Never Had Sex At The Office
I've Never Been Married
I've Never Been Divorced
I've Never Had Sex With More Than One Person Within The Same Week
I've Never Posed Nude
I've Never Gotten Someone Drunk Just To Have Sex With Them
I've Never Killed Anyone
I've Never Received Scars From My Sex Partner
I've Never Thrown Up In A Bar
I've Never Purposely Set A Part Of Myself On Fire
I've Never Eaten Sushi
I've Never Been Snowboarding
I've Never Had Sex At A Friend's House While They Were Throwing A Party
I've Never Had Sex In A Dressing Room
I've Never Flashed Anyone
I've Never Met Anyone From Online

Stop Me

I think I've written enough, maybe too much. I don't plan on posting here again until I've heard from you. On the other hand, I've started working some more on the other blog. I should have something up soon. Hope you like it.

This Morning

I'm so glad I got a chance to see you this morning. I'm also glad you seemed to be in good spirits. Being my usual self, however, I have been tossing around all the good and bad reasons (from my perspective) for your apparent good mood.

Good reason: You weren't as upset at me yesterday as I thought.
Bad reason: You just don't care enough to be upset at me anymore.

Good reason: Despite all of our problems, you are still happy to see me.
Bad reason: You were kid-less last night and you got some. (Even if I'm not making you happy, I don't want anyone else to, either. Yes, I'm a selfish bastard.)

Good reason: You just happened to be in a good mood and yesterday was just a bad day, like other bad days.
Bad reason: You actually weren't happy, but were just putting on a front because we were in public.

In any case, I hope your good mood was real - whatever the reason for it. It made me feel much better. In fact, it was hard for me to not delete all the posts from yesterday. I don't want to stir things up if you're feeling okay. But, I told you they're here, and you told me you hate when I hold back what I'm thinking. I don't know how much of it I'm thinking today, but it certainly was what I was thinking yesterday after you called me.

I'm Sorry

I'm Sorry. I'm Sorry. I'm Sorry.

I wanted this to be the first thing you saw when you checked this blog.

I don't know how you're going to feel about any of the earlier posts today (below), but the first thing I want you to know is I'm Sorry.

Believe it or not, I'm afraid of being abandoned, too.

Please, please, PLEASE forgive me.

Jealous, Jealous Again

More Thoughts and Feelings:

I've been jealous of you. That's probably no surprise to you, but I don't think I've ever admitted it. Whereas you've gotten jealous in the past at times when you thought I'd had sex with her (whether that was actually the case or not), I get jealous over non-sexual things. The things you do. The way you live your life.

You have friends. I don't. You do things. I don't. Example: tonight. I'm jealous you are out having dinner at a nice place, while I had fast food and watched a DVD - again. This is typical for each of us. On the rare occassion I have had an evening out planned, you have appeared to have a hard time being supportive.

And yes, sometimes I do things to 'retaliate.' I inappropriately do things to 'get back' at you. I, apparently, am mean and petty. No, I don't know why. Example? Sure. You are correct that I have bragged about having a productive days, weeks, and months at work. I didn't intend it to be bragging; I think I was doing it to prove my worth, to myself and to you. I also was probably doing it in response to what I perceived as bragging by you. I cannot believe you thought it wouldn't bother me to hear about your 'problems' with looking at $750,000 homes and trying to decide whether you should just put the money into remodeling. You know that type of thing is completely out of my range. Every conversation was like a knife in my fucking heart.

Why have I decided to say this now? Several reasons. One, this has been bothering me more than usual recently. Two, you have made it clear you want me to be more open, so I'm trying. Three, I'm afraid you may be done with me, and this is my way of refusing to accept that; I am trying to engage you in a discussion about my feelings regarding our relationship under the assumption we still have a relationship to discuss.

So, there it is. I not only don't have the life I want, but I've been forced to watch the-person-I'd-most-like-to-live-that-life-with live it without me. I don't know if that's petty, if it's twisted, or what. But, it is how I've been feeling.

I know this has been affecting my behavior, although I think I'm only now realizing how much. Sorry I didn't say something sooner. I hope we can talk about it.

I miss my best friend.

Better

I feel better now than I did during my rant, or whatever the hell that was, 4 hours ago. Unfortunately, I'm not betting the farm that you do. I hope I'm wrong. I hope you can see how tore up I am and can find it in you to keep trying. On the other hand, I know I'm an ass, and I'll get what I deserve.

Maybe I don't feel as much better as I thought.

Fear

I feel like shit. I feel like dying. My heart aches. I'm afraid, and I don't know what to do. I feel you slipping away, and I don't know how to stop it - or if I even should try. I know I want this, but I'm starting to feel like you don't any more. And, if you don't, what am I fighting for?

You said you feel like I've been sending mixed signals, but I think we've both been doing that. In or out? You can't decide. You're not sure if it's just the D/s part of our relationship that might need to stop or the entire relationship. What am I supposed to do with that?

Yes, I've been thinking about whether I need to leave work. Mostly, I've just been blowing off steam. Even when I consider the little part that is serious, I do not have a picture in my mind of a future that does not include you somewhere, somehow. You, on the other hand, seem less certain of this. You have always talked about being 'more than friends' forever. I understood this to mean wherever we go and whatever we do. Was that just talk?

I know times have been tough. I don't believe that's enough reason to give up. On the other hand, if you've only been keeping me around for the 'good times,' than I've been a fool and I should. Yes, the good times (in my opinion) have been very good, but I thought we were more than that. Then, you tell me you feel you are supposed to be my relief from - something outside of - the bad things, annoying things, irritating things, and other negative things in life. While this is a wonderful sentiment, it makes me feel you only want the fantasy, not the reality. Maybe that's all you should want. Maybe all of our time together should be outside of the real world and all of it's problems. Since I can't offer anything more substantial at the moment, maybe that's the way it should be. Unfortunately, that idea makes me feel this is all just fooling around, at best, and like I'm a whore, at worst.

I hope you understand what I'm saying, but I'm scared as hell you won't. Please don't just have a knee-jerk reaction to this. If you don't understand or don't agree, at least let's argue about it. Give me a chance to go down fighting.

I am hopelessly in love with you. Even if you hurt me now (as I once predicted you would), that will not change. Is this a serious relationship, or is it just 'for as long as it's fun'? Am I really part of your life, or am I just filling in an empty spot for the moment? Do you love me, or do you just love the way I make you feel? The thing is, . . . what's the thing? . . . , the thing is, I'll still love you no matter how you respond. Even if you tell me I've been nothing but a pleasant distraction from your real life. Even if you tell me I'm not worth all the trouble I've been putting you through. Even if you tell me that 'he' is the real man, and I've been just a bit of fluff on the side you needed to boost your self-confidence, to get him back for not paying enough attention to you, or for whatever reason.

I feel tired. I feel sad. I feel pathetic.

Bet you're wondering whether it was a good idea to tell me you want to know everything I'm thinking, specifically, and without self-editing. Welcome to my world, my wonderful world of depression. I'll understand if this message alone convinces you I am way more trouble than I'm worth. There are plenty of times I don't want my own life; I'll never understand why anyone else would want any part in it.

Melodrama, apparently, is my specialty. Sorry for that. All I can say is, you did ask for it. The bottomline, however, is: I don't want to lose you. I have many more things I want to say. Please give me a chance to say them.

Still here,
still yours,
waiting for a response,
afraid of what it will be,

Frederick

Thank You.

i just wanted to jot a quick note to say, "Thank You." Thank You for being so understanding. Thank You for putting up with me. Thank You for caring enough not to let me toss aside that which is, and has been, so special to me. Thank You for being the moderate one. Thank You for letting me be extreme, but for not letting me act extreme. Thank You for being the smart one to figure out some sort of soltution. Thank You for being You.

Still devoted,

anastasia

Posting (or a lack thereof)

you asked for part 2 of mine. When are we going to see anything else on yours? If nothing else, you still need to transcribe the first fantasy letter. Get it back from Me by sometime this weekend so you can start working on it. I need to see more from you.

Waste Not, Want Not

I'm glad to hear you didn't let your 'condition' go to waste. I'm also glad to hear I still have the ability to put you in that condition with little more than a few carefully placed touches and your own imagination.

I wish I could've been there; you know I love to watch you. Of course, I suppose I actually was there, wasn't I? Both in your mind and in the fact that it was My pussy you were touching and My orgasm you were having. Mmmm. I love saying that.

This is not intended as a punishment, but I must be present for your next orgasm. Think of it as a sign of your submission. Understood?

i love You anyway and adore You always

Everyone has a bad day. You know someone loves You when they look past it because they know the real You, the sensitive and loving You, the powerful and fantastic You.

Despite how You are feeling today, please know and, more importantly, accept that i love You anyway and adore You always.

Your MMPP,

anastasia

The Explanation

anastasia was surprised to hear Frederick enter the room. He wasn't supposed to be there for another couple of hours. she had hoped to have been there as an offering to him longer. she was about as good at punishing herself as He was. In fact, sometimes she was harsher. He hadn't told her to be there, but obviously He knew that was where she would go.

she had expected aomw rypw of physical act of punishment, so when He spoke she jumped because she was startled. He asked her to explain herself, something she often had difficulty doing. But, in this instance, she was sure of herself and of her comment and she had to make Him understand.

"Frederick, i almost wish there was no safety net. i trust you so completely that i have never used it, nor do i believe i will ever need to. You know me. You know my limitations. Although You sometimes make me push my own boundries, i trust You never to hurt me and never to let harm come to me. That is why i don't use the safe word. To me it almost doesn't exist. So, when i begged You not to make me do what You were asking, i leaving the power with You...instead of taking it back to myself and using the safe word. Truthfully, i did not even consider using it. The thought did not even enter my mind. It was not until You reminded me that it existed that i considered if i would have changed the way any of it happened. And at this moment i can confidently tell You i wouldn't have changed any of it. i am willing to take any punishment You levy. But again, that is because You have the power to levy it. i don't want the power in our relationship. As we have discussed before, i appreciate that You listen to my point of view, consider it, and then You make the decisions. That is what i love about our relationship and i am not willing to take any of that power away from You by using the safe word. The only time i can even contemplate it would be necessary is if we get too engrosed in something and i can not bear the pain or i feel like You are so deep that You have lost focus on me and my physical or emotional well-being. But, again, i can not even imagine that happening. So, as far as i am concerned, it doesn't exist because it doesn't have to.

That is why i said that You had more power. You had the power to change Your mind. i am grateful that You did change Your mind. However, if You hadn't, i suppose i would have performed the act that You requested. Would You have been satisfied with my emotional break as a result? Could i have gotten over the fact that You had no idea, despite my pleading, that it was a serious issue for me? Would You have been satisfied that from there on out i would be afraid of You and the fact that some of the decisions You make in the future may be harmful to me physically or emotionally? i don't want to question Your decisions and how they affect me. i want to believe that Your decisions are made with Your knowledge of me and Your love for me. i don't ever want to be afraid of You. i don't believe that You want me to be afraid of You. If You do, i may need to reconsider our relationship.

i feel relieved that these questions are ones that never needed answering. i can only hope that You realize that i do not beg lightly. In fact, is there ever any other instance that You remember me begging? i thank You for Your compassion. i thank You for seeing past my reluctance to perform one of Your commands; seeing past it, deep into me, and recognizing that you had the power to crush my spirit and instead You chose to release the obligation.

Thank You for Your love. Thank You for using Your power wisely and with forethought. i am sorry about the strife that my actions caused. And i am sorry that i made You doubt Yourself because truly, today i could not feel more owned, nor more willing to submit to you."

Through the monologue He was so quiet. she had kept her head down in an act of submission, and she wondered if he had been able to hear all of what she had to say through her tears. Again she waited...

Punishment

What punishment is appropriate for someone who is right? you asked Me to reconsider My command, and I did. you never outright refused Me. Under the circumstances, it would be wrong for Me to insist on any real punishment. Anyway, I think this week (of hardly having any time together) will be punishment enough for both of us. If we're lucky, we'll find the time for Me to inflict a much needed spanking, which I know we both want you to receive and which you certainly have earned (in a good way). If we're not lucky, I'm going to be incredibly frustrated. How about you?

The Question

As He approached the room, Frederick could hear anastacia weeping; her barely audible voice asking for forgiveness. Frederick wanted to rush up to sta, put His arms around her, and tell her everything was fine. Unfortunately, He couldn't.

she had failed to follow a direct command. Or, did she?, Frederick wondered to Himself. she had asked, practically begged, to not have to do it, but she had not refused. No, He had given in and retracted the command. He could have pushed her. He could have forced her to either comply or use her safeword. Instead, He had been weak and relinquished control. she had called it an act of compassion, but He could see nothing but weakness. she had a safeword to use and she had chosen not to use it. Their relationship was based on an assumption that, if any command exceeded her personal boundaries, she would use her safeword. Therefore, He should have pushed the issue. He should have forced her to decide whether this command was beyond her limits.

He knew why she did not want to make this choice. she felt the safeword was not to be used casually. And, He agreed. she had never used her safeword. He had never asked her to exceed her boundaries. If this time He had asked too much, it was her responsibility to tell him in no uncertain terms that she could not do it. Anything less than using her safeword had to mean she would follow His instruction, whether she wanted to or not. her submission must be complete up to the point where her personal boundaries would not permit it.

When they had discussed it, she did not seem to understand this. she felt He should take her pleas into consideration. Maybe she was right. Unfortunately, all He felt at the moment was that she had taken control of the situation. she had convinced Him to retract a command without having to use her safeword. Although He occassionally felt weak and out of control, this was the first time He could remember it being because of her. she had always made Him feel strong and in control. But, not tonight. Tonight, He had submitted to her will.

So, what do I do about it?, thought Frederick. He stood in the doorway of the room, watching sta's naked form kneeling on the cold, hard floor. she was shaking, but He couldn't tell if this was from the cold, from her emotions, or both. His heart melted at the sight of her clearly offering herself to Him. He could see how much she wanted to submit to Him. They were both learning the parameters of their relationship, but the ultimate responsibility rested with Him. He had caused this, and He would fix it.

He stood straight and strode into the room to a position directly in front of her. He looked down at her and spoke, "sta, my most prized possession, I forgive you. you still must be punished, but know that you are loved. In fact, if I did not love you, there would be no need to punish you. But, before we get to that, tell me something. When we were discussing your refusal to obey Me earlier and My decision to retract My command, you started to say something about it demonstrating more control to be compassionate and not make you follow a command with which you were struggling than to push you into doing it or using your safeword. I apologize if I didn't get that exactly right. In any case, please elaborate. How do you see this as having more control? your punishment will depend on your explanation."

The Apology

she came to the entrance of the room, obviously tense and uncomfortable. Upon taking the first step into the room, she knelt on the hard, cold stone floor. she knew she had a punishment coming, and she knew it was going to be harsh. Would He reject her? Would He abandon her? she had deliberately manipulated Him in a place where He could not overtly assert His control. she knew He hated His inability to outwardly control her at all times and she was supposed to be extra careful when they were in public to pick up on His needs, wants, and commands. Yet, He had been very clear with His demand and she chose to disobey. She knew He wouldn't argue with her.

In her mind she had rationalized the behavior. she had begged Him to let her out of the task and he did. At the time she hadn't thought He would be so upset. After all, if He truly wanted her to do it, He could have not let her out of it. But He did because He didn't want to argue with her and He didn't want her to cause a scene.

she had hoped He would understand her reluctance. she had hoped He would love her enough to realize that what He was demanding caused her whole body to get cold with fear. she could have used her safe word...But she didn't. Instead she almost caused a scene. And that was unacceptable!!!

she had retrieved her collar from its resting place and, although she hadn't had to wear it in a long time because she didn't need a reminder of his ownership anymore, she had put it on uncomfortably tight around her neck. she hoped it would please Him.

she crawled to the center of the empty room secretly wishing with all her might that the punishment would not be His shunning her. That truly was the worst punishment in his arsenal. her fear of abandonment ran deeper than any other emotion. He knew that and He rarely used it against her. But, she knew she deserved it this time.

So, upon reaching the center of the room, cold, naked, and alone, she sat back on her knees and waited. Then she began to cry and although He was not there to hear her, through her tears she whispered, "Frederick, please forgive me."

The "Offer"

I'm having trouble coming up with a response to your message. I can't say that I'm "offering" anything. That implies you have a choice to accept or reject the offer. No, mmpp. When I do make an "offer", you'll know it and there will be no choice involved on your part. Remember last night?

Until then, be a good girl and just be ready to take care of whatever I need, whenever I need it.

Frederick

Ready...willing...and waiting...

Time

I know you've been busy. Me, too. Nonetheless, I've found time to post here every few days (even if it's just a short one or a picture). you've posted only once since February 17th, and that was only because I told you to. you wanna make me happy? Write something once in a while to show Me you're thinking of Me, even when we don't have much time to spend together -- heck, especially because we haven't had much time to spend together. Something I can read when you're not around. Something to make Me smile. Something to make Me horny. Something to just remind Me that you're Mine.

At minimum, I expect a new post from you at least once a week. Even one word would be enough. It's not about what you write; it's about taking the time to log in and write it. Understood?

Never Gonna Let you Go

Mmmm. Thinking of you.

How i can be a better submissive for Him...

What a word… “submissive.” When initially thinking about its meaning, one thinks about slavery or servitude; the absolute powerlessness of the person in the submissive position and overbearingness of the person in the dominant position. Technically the word is defined as an adjective meaning, “willing to submit or surrender without resistance to authority.” “Surrender” is the act of yielding to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand. But, in a relationship such as ours, it is much more. It is not slavery or servitude, although those qualities are certainly welcomed in certain circumstances. Instead, it is a type of partnership, with each partner putting forth their best efforts to fulfill their respective roles.

The most important aspect of a 24/7 D/s relationship is “willingness” on the part of both parties to engage in their respective roles. The submissive must be willing to submit and the dominant must be willing to accept the responsibility caused by the submission. There is no room for pretense because there is an inherent danger of injury to the hearts and minds of the participants if the relationship is not regarded as a serious endeavor.

Part of the act of submission is an attitude of deference, a willingness to accept the decision that is made despite agreement or disagreement with the decision. Adopting this attitude is key to the relationship, but not always easy. i can be a better submissive by accepting His decisions without question. Ultimately, He is the decision maker and i must recognize the fact that the truly important decisions He makes are made with my best interests in mind. i can be a better submissive by accepting the fact that He will sometimes consider, and REJECT, my opinion. But i must be confident in the knowledge that He did consider my opinion and used it to form His decision.

Lack of resistance is another key element of submission. “Resistance” is defined as an opposing or retarding force. i can be a better submissive by not pulling in the opposite direction, and not planting my feet to effectuate a complete stoppage of motion, when i am in opposition to some request. i can accept directions without any question. i can be less contentious. i can accept the fact that we are different in personality and He does not like to argue for the sake of arguing. Therefore, unless He tells me He wants to argue, and it is okay, i can refrain from trying to start a conflict, even if i only intend it to be for sport. i can stop being contrary just to be contrary. He sets the tone of our relationship, not me. To be a better submissive, i must relinquish control, or relinquish my desire for control. i must be cognizant of, and follow, “the rules” no matter the circumstances, excuses, or reasons not to follow them.

Finally, submission involves trust. In order to truly submit to someone, one must completely trust the person not to harm her physically or emotionally. In this fast paced world of disposable everything, trust is hard to earn and even harder to give. i can be a better submissive by pushing any thoughts of doubt out of my head. i must accept that i am loved and cherished despite all my prior experiences and the circumstances in which i currently find myself. i can stop holding the feelings of resentment and hurt (baggage) against Him, for He is not the one who caused the damage. On the contrary, He is the one who has repaired much of the brokenness.

Although these thoughts are very philosophical, they are the roots of our relationship. If the roots are diseased, then the relationship will wither and die. i have failed in my role as a good submissive because of fear…fear of losing control and fear of giving up control and then being abandoned. i am letting go of my fear and trust that being a better submissive will make Him a better master.

All The Time

Yes, I want you all the time. I want to be with you all the time. I want to own you all the time. No matter what else happens in our lives, you and I both know there is no way to actually be together all the time. There will always be something that will demand the attention of one or the other of us.

I am trying to not only accept the precious time we do get together, but to truly appreciate it. I know it's frustrating, but the little time we actually have together is all the more reason why that time should be special. Every moment counts.

Let's get through this rough patch. Let's find a way to make this not only work, but let's make this our reason for getting up each morning. Frankly, you already are my first, last, and best reason for getting up each and every morning -- even on the days I'm not going to see you and might not hear from you.

Devoted to your care,
Frederick

Essay

FYI - The post below is approximately 240 words, almost half the length of the post I want from you. (It probably would've been 250 words if I hadn't used so many contractions.)

24/7: Our Way

I was just thinking about how difficult it is to have this 24/7 D/s type of relationship while trying to avoid displaying any sign of it.

There has been more than one occassion today that I felt you needed discipline of one sort or another. you have not consistently behaved in a submissive manner. In fact, I have more trouble thinking of acts consistent with submission than acts that are not. It is getting to the point where I probably will end up doing something in the moment I later will find hard to explain to whomever is present. When you stood up to go at lunch, I so much wanted to tell you to sit back down and wait for permission to get up. Getting up, by itself, was no big deal. It wasn't an act of defiance on your part, but it definitely wasn't a submissive act either.

I know you'll do whatever I say, but you also need to not do things unless I say. you need to know your place, and that involves waiting for instructions or, at the least, asking for permission.

I'll be thinking up various punishment for you (and don't get the idea you're going to like them). In the meantime, you can start by writing a 500 word essay on "How i can be a better submissive for Him." It is to be posted here no later than Friday, March 4, at 9:30 a.m. Understood?