Random Thoughts

i know we are supposed to be productive today, but to accomplish that, i feel like i need to get these random thoughts out of my head and onto "paper."

1) Yesterday when i said i needed to "feel it" i wasn't intending to instigate a serious discussion. i was feeling, and continue to feel, the need for Your touch, Your dominance, Your control. i need You to "take me" in any way You want. i want to submit to You. i need to submit to You sexually and personally. i want to put my mouth around Your cock because You have told me to put it there. i want to get wet because You have demanded it. i want to feel the sting of Your hand on my ass because You feel i deserve it. i want to kiss You without You kissing back because You want me to worship You. i want You to feel worshipped so You will then want to control me even more.

i am glad that You let me know how You were feeling. It has always been hard for me to get "it" right. i haven't been giving additional suggestions because i don't like Your decisions, but rather because You seem to want to be pleasing me and i want You to be pleased. For instance...lunch... You said You really had no preference because You weren't hungry. You said head to our normal spot and then i made a suggestion or two trying to get You to react with some enthusiasm and to get someplace where You would at least be satisfied and not dissatisfied. You see, again my actions were only intended to attempt to please You and not to distract from Your decisions or control.

Although You misunderstood me and my intentions, i have to say that the forceful way You told me what You need and want and expect from me was exactly what i need and want from You. i love it when You control me with Your words. Anyone can be controlled by physical action, but Your silver tongue is infuriatingly talented. Although i don't like being "handled," i do love being controlled by You.

2) Why do You always assume the worst? Like this morning assuming my tardiness had nothing to do with You when in fact it had everything to do with You. Most of what i do has everything to do with You. You consume my every thought. Like last night, just imagining Your strong hands on Your instrument, making it do exactly what You want it to do, produce the sound You demand, with Your fingers flying over the keys, knowing what buttons to push without a thought. i can imagine those same hands on my body, knowing what to do without a thought, and eliciting the exact response desired because of Your control.

3) i find it amazing that i feel so many things that are similar to what Sarah expresses in her blog. It is not easy to submit. i hope You realize this on some level. Although it is what i want to do, i am completely new at it because i have never been allowed to do it before. i find myself struggling with how to be submissive with You personally, but not professionally, and certainly not with anyone else. i completely understand her when she explains that it wasn't the other man she wanted, but his control. Isn't that what we have blogged about so many times, that thing that You just can't understand...that is isn't ever about having or wanting the other man, but instead it is always about You, wanting You, wanting to be desired so i know that Your desire is true because i can't understand how You want me (i wouldn't want myself) but if others want me too, i guess i can accept that i am desirable (i know this is twisted). This is where the task thing comes in. Sarah lashes out when Mac is too busy for her, or just plain isn't there. i tend to lash out, stray, or whatever when You are emotionally unavailable to me or when we are too busy to "feel it" (particularly the former because at least with the latter i can make a nuisance of myself). Perhaps You can figure out a way to handle these situations. (Or we can figure it out together if that is what You want.) The thing is we know that they are coming and we (i) have not handled them with great skill as of yet. So now that we are okay, everybody is happy, etc maybe we can stratagize. i plan to be with You for the rest of my life, personally, professionally, emotionally, and sexually, and unfortunately i haven't had the luxury of learning over time how to behave appropriately to these situations, so maybe if we had a plan in place the situations wouldn't be so difficult for either of us.

Anyway, i can't wait to have Your hands on me. i can't wait to kneel or stand before You awaiting my next instruction. Your control is what i want, everything else is frosting on the cake. Please don't ever doubt my devotion.

a.

Punishment

Isn't it funny? I just posted about 'Rules' (and I'm sure you hadn't had a chance to read it) and you manage to break the very Rule I wrote about.

For not waiting to be spoken to, write a reply to this post explaining how sorry you are for speaking without being spoken to, and tell Me what you think you should do to make up for it.

And, don't make any excuses. I know why you did it, and that's why your punishment isn't something worse (like cleaning your trunk).

F.

Rules

Do not speak to Me until spoken to. Whether in person or on the telephone, wait until I acknowledge you before addressing Me. This, of course, is not a new Rule, but I like it and have no intention of dropping it at any point for the foreseeable future.

On the other hand, I will give you some respite on the writing requirement. you do not need to post on your blog, except as you desire - when the mood strikes you, as it were. I do expect something, however, at least once a week on our blog. The time frame will remain Wednesdays at 6 p.m. There are on restrictions on what you should write. If you post to your blog, you will not have to post to ours that week.

I anticipate posting more Rules soon. I do so love when you follow my directions.

Toxic

Ever wonder that as good as we are for eachother, we are equally as toxic for eachother? How long has it been since we started a day off good and ended it good? How long has it been since You were in as good a mood after You saw me as before i walked in the door? How long has it been since we were happy together...unirritated, attitudeless, carefree (You know what i mean)? How long has it been since we made sense for a whole day and not just in a moment? Mind You, the moments are great! But, why can't we have greatness for more than just a moment at a time?

Yesterday i was determined to have a better day than the one before. i just wanted to be relaxed, easy, unfocused. But the "me" that i wanted to be obviously didn't mesh with the "me" that You wanted. Maybe our problem is that i can't be the "me" that You want. We know that we can't be the "we" that we want to be all the time and that has been a source of difficulty. But, maybe it is greater than that. Maybe it is me. i want to submit to You. i want for You to be in control and to make the decisions. i want to defer to Your decisions. But, i don't think that is enough. You want an attitude that is foreign to me and i can't get it right. It isn't enough for You to know that i am Yours and have given You the control. You want me to prove it all the time. And, it seems however You want me to do it, i am not getting it right.

Another thing...My feelings were really hurt by your mocking yesterday. You know that my faith is important to me. Although You don't agree with it, and although i am not setting a good example for it, there is no reason for You to laugh at me and say You want to "gouge" Your eyes out at hearing my explanation in response to Your question. You had to know that my answer was going to be something You didn't agree with or want to hear, so why did You ask? i don't believe i have ever laughed at You over something that was really important to You. (If i have, please let me know.) If it is something You just can't accept about me, i guess it good to find that out now.

Maybe "it" is the full moon (did You know we were having a full moon?), my PMS, or the current stress we both are under, or a combination of all three. But, whatever "it" is, we need to figure it out because whatever "IT" is is poisining US and if You aren't feeling the same, You have to know it is poisining me! If we are going to be together forever, like i thought we wanted, and if we are going to successfully execute Plan B, we have to figure out how to make things better.

Ready for any suggestions or decisions You make...

Reminder

Just a reminder. you are to have something posted on your blog by 6 p.m. every Wednesday.

F.

Feeling owned?

I get the feeling you don't feel owned right now. Well, that just won't do. I guess I let go of the earlier instruction too soon. Let's switch it now. Put on the clip until further notice. Let Me know when you've done it by bringing Me a cup of coffee. I hope you feel the clip with every step you take towards my office. I hope you feel it as I watch you walk away. (I love to watch you walk.) I hope you feel it all afternoon and until I tell you to remove it.

Until I can hold you in my arms, this is what I can do to make you feel Me with you at all times. If I could, I'd have you put on a collar and wear it for Me and for all the world to see that you are mine.

Now, be a good girl and go do what you've been told.

A Difficult Situation

It was very difficult for Me to sit next to you through lunch and not put my hands on you. I'm having a little trouble reading you today and I don't know where your head is, but I want you to know I am craving you intensely. I need to feel your skin under my fingers and your lips against mine.

Just thought you should know.

Unsure...

Today i had an experience i wish i hadn't. Once again, i have been accused of being "not nice" and "negative." i don't understand it. i try really hard to be accommodating and thoughtful. i bend over backwards to do everything i can to please others, including having my personal needs or wants back-burnered.

Can i not tease someone without it seeming like i am being mean? Can i not be blunt and express my opinions (which sometimes i hold back) without being accused of being a bitch?

Do You think i am a negative person? (Gosh, i don't ever want that.) Do You think i complain a lot? More than the average person? Boy, i feel like i need to really need to take a look in the mirror because i just don't see those things about myself.

Missing You today!!!
a.

This Morning

Just thought you should know I had the most wonderful thoughts of you while I was in the shower this morning. Nothing unusual. No fantasies involving exotic places or other people. Just you and Me being "us."

I didn't "complete" the thought, though. I need the real thing for that. Nonetheless, it was a bit of fun, and I have you to thank for it.

So, thank you.

Never stop being sexy. Never stop being "you." And, never stop being mine.

F.

Time

I really wish I had time to write something on mine, but I don't. No time for stories about the 10,000 ways I want to fuck you. No time for fantasies about things that make my cock throb, but would make me too jealous to fulfill in real life. No time for thoughts and ideas of the terrible, wonderful things that I would be more than willing to do in real life.

No, it's a sad day for Me. I only have enough time to remind you that, despite not having time to commit these things to writing, you are constantly on my mind in the most delicious way.

New Things

Inspired by our discussion of trying new things, here is a list of "48 Foods to Try Before You Die." It's not a great list, but it's a start. In bold are ones I've done.

1. Fresh fish
2. Lobster
3. Steak
4. Thai food
5. Chinese food
6. Ice cream
7. Pizza
8. Crab
9. Curry
10. Prawns
11. Moreton Bay Bugs
12. Clam chowder
13. Barbecues
14. Pancakes
15. Pasta
16. Mussels
17. Cheesecake
18. Lamb
19. Cream tea
20. Alligator
21. Oysters
22. Kangaroo
23. Chocolate
24. Sandwiches
25. Greek food
26. Burgers
27. Mexican food
28. Squid
29. American diner breakfast
30. Salmon
31. Venison
32. Guinea pig
33. Shark [I think]
34. Sushi
35. Paella
36. Barramundi
37. Reindeer
38. Kebab
39. Scallops
40. Australian meat pie
41. Mango
42. Durian fruit
43. Octopus
44. Ribs
45. Roast beef
46. Tapas
47. Jerk chicken/pork
48. Haggis

Scary, yet Exciting

Today's post by Sarah reminded Me of you (as so many of her posts do). I realize she generally is an exaggerated version of you, yet there is definitely some of you in there. Today's post is a good example of what scares Me, yet at the same time excites Me, about you. It is so close to home it is almost hard for Me to read of Sarah's attraction to other men (what you might call "curiosity"). she didn't do anything "wrong," although I have some trouble with her need to get off just by being around these men who provided the fuel for her fantasies while masturbating. It reminds Me that, you can be completely devoted to Me, yet still have sexual thoughts about others, which, as I've said, both scares Me and excites Me. When I feel that way (Sarah calls it "jealous lust"), I want to possess you and use you to satisfy my desires. Heck, I'm feeling it right now just imagining things that haven't happened. I think I need to do something to reaffirm my ownership of you soon -- very soon.

Write

The title of this post, "Write," also is a command. I need you to write some more on your blog. The most recent post was very good, and I know you said you had more. So, I want it. you need to give Me whatever else you've got in that pretty little head of yours. you have until Wednesday at 6 p.m. to post something on yours. Understood?

i am a bad little girl who can not control herself. (especially when it is my Master who is touching me)

Brains

Read the May 26 entry on this blog. I think we've found a girl for Nathaniel.

Something for you to think about (do not reply):
Would you find yourself jealous or in any way unhappy if Nathaniel found a female significant other and started bringing her along to "our" outings? If not, good for you. If so, however, doesn't this strike you as somewhat inappropriate? I know. I know. you're not always rational about these things. Still, I would be concerned to know you're jealous over another man (any man) receiving attention from another woman. you don't get to have all of us all to yourself. If the day comes you actually have to face this question, I hope you're ready to accept that I am the only one you should need that kind of attention from (male/female v. friend/friend). I only thought of it because, like the poster, you are always going on about how brilliant he is. (And I now have you caught in a Catch-22 because you say you're attracted to my mind, so you can't deny being attracted to intelligence. You know, I really hate myself sometimes.)

Anyway, don't respond; just let Me get that off my chest. Thanks, beautiful.

F.

Dancing

Read the May 31 post on this blog to see how I think women often view dancing. It is sexual, with the freedom to act as if it's not. The experience is not dissimilar from other sexual activities, but you can walk away as if there were no sexual aspect to it. If this doesn't ring true with you, so be it, but at least you've seen what goes through my mind when I'm watching.