Unresolved

The following is from an earlier post. I'm sure you'll recognize it. In thinking about what's been bothering me lately, I've come to the conclusion this is still unresolved. I know you didn't feel the need to respond to anything in that particular post, but I do need a response to this.

I don't think I'll ever feel that ownership of you means letting you do whatever you want, not doing anything myself that might upset you in any way, and just trusting that you would never cross a line of behavior that you admittedly cannot even tell Me where it is. I know that was convoluted, but I hope it made sense. Taking your own argument to the extreme, I should be okay with you going off and fucking a couple of guys because if I wanted to stop you I could and I am really the only one you want anyway. But, if I'm not giving you that attention, you should be allowed to get it somewhere. (If you wanted to be ignored, you could stay at home. Right?) I know this interpretation of your position is ridiculous, but you have yet to be able to tell Me where the line is.

What is your position on this issue?

Have I told you yet today how gorgeous you are?

you are that and a whole lot more.

you are brilliant. Truly. you should know I believe this, even when you don't. you are smarter than me, but you choose to act like you're not -- which also is probably a smart thing to do in many situations.

you are wise. you understand people. you understand "how things work" and how to get things done. This is not simply a function of being brilliant. Trust me. I have known a lot of brilliant people that lacked the wisdom to be able to use their brilliance to good effect.

you are warm. you brighten every room you enter. you make people feel good just being in your presence.

you are capable. you achieve most everything you set your mind to. you can do just about anything you really want.

you are professional. you know how to handle yourself. you always put your best foot forward. you give people the impression you know what you're doing and you're in charge.

you are everything any man could want in a partner, for business or pleasure. (I don't want to detract from the above by discussing the ways you are perfect with regard to pleasure, but I think I've made my feelings clear on that issue many times previously anyway. Although I don't say it often enough, you should keep in mind that my attraction to you is based on the whole package. A gorgeous body and sexy attitude don't get it done for me unless there's intelligence and the right personality to go with them.)

Don't you dare take anything I say when I'm clearly teasing you as having any truth or, worse, that I actually think those things. you damned well better know by now when I'm just yanking your chain. Remember, you, as My property, are a reflection of Me. I would not own anything (or anyone) that is substandard. you are the cream of the fucking crop, and a few teasing comments shouldn't make you question that.

I apologize (really, I'm not just saying that) if you took offense to anything I said. you should know by now that I would never intentionally hurt you in any way. I will try to restrain myself better the next time I feel wicked and want to push your buttons.

yours,
F.

Nice

It was nice of you, yesterday, to say I'm back. I feel back. I feel good. I'm not sure you meant it in an entirely positive way, since I was somewhat crudely discussing the idea of having you perform oral sex on me at the time, but in any case, I agree with the underlying premise -- I am back.

On a related note, I really am looking forward to the next time I can feel my cock sliding between your lips and fuck your mouth until I cum hard down your throat. Mmmm. See you soon.

Dammit

Dammit! I'm sorry about the attitude flip on the phone today. Apparently, I'm still fucked up. Surprised?!? I doubt it.

I'm so screwed up that I originally started to write a post here to tell you why I flipped on you. For a brief moment, I actually let myself believe I had a legitimate reason to be upset. Ha! Once I started writing the post, it quickly became obvious that the only problem here is Me.

I am having the damnedest time right now, and I apologize. you shouldn't have to put up with this, but I'm glad you've been willing and able to, so far.

Thank you for not calling Me out on the attitude flip. I could tell you wanted to. I could hear you holding back. Wanting to ask what the problem was. If you had asked, I would have said something that made total sense to my fucked up brain, but had no grounding in reality. Thank you for not asking. Thank you for letting Me realize for myself that I was being a moron. Thank you for acting as if I hadn't just turned into an asshole and for simply finishing the conversation as near to normal as possible.

I'm really trying to get my shit together. When I do, I hope you're there, and I hope you find the good times are worth going through the tough times. I do.

From Here

From here on, I need to change. I cannot continue this way. I'm not even sure what that means, but it must mean something. I spent many hours yesterday in the most depressed state I think I've ever experienced. And, I can't even say why.

you need to think very hard and decide what you are willing to do. I know you offered to stop drinking (so much) and/or to stop getting into situations like that, but I don't know if you had a chance to really think it through. If I decide I need either of those things, both of those things, or something else to make this work, will you really be okay with that? Will you feel I am asking you to not be yourself? There is no point in trying to implement a solution we can't both live with.

I can't remember the last time I was that upset about anything, if ever. And worst of all, I still can't adequately explain it. The closest I've gotten is to realize I am at least partially upset because you have told Me many times you would be happy just to sit at my feet, yet when you had the opportunity to just sit where I could see you and enjoy knowing you belong to Me, you chose to act as if you didn't belong to Me by sitting somewhere else, with someone else, at a time when you knew I could do nothing about it. This is what led to my meeting you outside the bathroom to tell you I was leaving. From my point of view, why would I stay when you had, at minimum, been disrepectful to Me and, at most, had abandoned My ownership? This, of course, doesn't explain everything by a long shot, but it's the best example I could think of.

I know you've said you had too much to drink, and I know that's true. The problem is that all the drinking does is make you forget there may be consequences to your actions. The drinking does not make you want to do things that you otherwise would not want to do. Whether it was jealousy, an attempt to punish Me for not paying enough attention to you, or a subconscious need for a greater level of attention than you felt you were getting, you hurt Me deeply. More than I think I even realized.

That's why I'm not sure if the solution is simply not drinking or not getting into those situations. It doesn't solve the underlying problem. To do that, you need to tell Me what the underlying problem is. Why did you do that and other things that hurt Me that night and that weekend? How many times did I need to hear how one of our group looks like a particular movie star (including when you were sober and I had already told you I was bothered by that person)? Why is it so hard for you to seek my permission before going off to dance or flirt with other men, rather than just doing whatever the hell you want and expecting Me to wait until you've gone farther than I can handle and then attempt to reign you in (and I do mean attempt considering your inebriated condition and the limitations of acting in a public setting with people who aren't supposed to know I have a right to direct your actions).

you say things that hurt and then say you were teasing or didn't mean anything by it. you haven't said much in quite a while to make Me feel the way you say I should feel. We specifically talked about my wanting you to say specific, positive things to Me, but we've been back all week and I can't think of one. I am willing to admit, however, that you may have said something and it is just my state of mind preventing Me from remembering. Can you help jog my memory?

I guess that's part of my problem. I rely on you to boost my ego, and I shouldn't. On the other hand, even if I stop needing you to say and do certain things to feed my ego, that doesn't solve the problem of my feeling slighted by what I perceive as your being disrespectful. I don't think I'll ever feel that ownership of you means letting you do whatever you want, not doing anything myself that might upset you in any way, and just trusting that you would never cross a line of behavior that you admittedly cannot even tell Me where it is. I know that was convoluted, but I hope it made sense. Taking your own argument to the extreme, I should be okay with you going off and fucking a couple of guys because if I wanted to stop you I could and I am really the only one you want anyway. But, if I'm not giving you that attention, you should be allowed to get it somewhere. (If you wanted to be ignored, you could stay at home. Right?) I know this interpretation of your position is ridiculous, but you have yet to be able to tell Me where the line is. So, what am I supposed to do?

I feel like I'm just rambling now. I dearly hope this isn't pissing you off. That isn't my intent, at all. I am trying to figure out what the problem is, so we can work through it. I know you can choose to be offended. you could choose to tell Me why I'm wrong. Neither of those things will help. I feel the way I feel, right or wrong. I am willing to do an awful lot to resolve this, but I have to know where you're at. Are you willing to let Me impose some rules on your behavior? I mean really willing? I don't want you to resent it later, and I certainly don't want you to go along with things until you reach a point where you decide (consciously or subconsciously) to lash out at Me somehow.

I have done so much because I thought it was what you wanted and needed, and it is all falling down on Me now. I let you have fun and do what you wanted because you are always saying you don't want to have to stop being yourself, and because it makes Me feel weak to want you to stop doing things that should be harmless. Unfortunately, they're not harmless to Me.

If you don't want to bother any more, I understand. Right now, I'm not feeling worthy of owning anyone, and particularly not someone like you. We have both proposed ideas to handle the situation, but you've also made it clear you don't think they should be necessary -- I should just be okay with all of this. And maybe you're right. But I'm not. And that's the way it is. Maybe if I actually owned you -- if we went home at the end of the day and I could fuck you senseless -- then I wouldn't be so jealous and need you to be so deferential to Me, but that's not our situation. If this is going to continue, I think we need to work out an acceptable level of your freedom vs. my need for you to ask permission to do things. When everything is said and done, there was little that happened this past weekend that would have bothered Me if you had simply asked first. This also would have minimized the impact of those things that still wouldn't have been okay.

That's all for now. It's your turn.

Why does it have to be so hard?

All i mean is that i spent most of the weekend without having to apologize and it was so nice. You are right. i am me and You are You. But, how come when we were away that was so much easier. i was so happy, happier than i have been in a long time.

If You look at our posts, You will see the constant struggle while we are here. Why was it so easy away? Because You have different expectations when we are here? Because i am able to be the person You want when we are away? Because no one interferes with us when we are away? (That’s not exactly true either.) i just don’t understand it and i am VERY frustrated.

i am sorry. i was sorry the moment it happened. i do apologize (like normal). Also like normal, You are completely right. i should have told You that i anticipated a problem. i tried to hide it because we were having such a GREAT day! (Childish i know.) i had hoped that he wouldn’t bring it up and we could continue with our “happy day.” Should’ve known better. i always do something to screw it up. i thought the explanation would make You understand that once again it wasn’t an intentional act that caused the problem, but it seems that my problem with timing always gets me into trouble. What do You want me to do? Never talk again? It wouldn’t matter because then i would DO something (or not do something, which would be equally as bad)to make You upset. i just can’t seem to get it right. Frankly, i am tired of not getting it right…not doing it right…not knowing what is right to do…

It isn’t a matter of “putting up with You.” It is a matter of wanting You and me to be happy or content, wanting us to be able to make it through one stinkin’ day without feeling like it isn’t working; to feel it without it being so hard to accomplish. It is a good thing that we are who we are because we are obviously a good match, but we have to figure this out in order to keep our sanity (or whatever is left of it)!!!

i don’t know what to do. It isn’t my job to decide what to do. i will offer that i WANT this. i want us. i want to be Your MMPP.

needs fulfilled (for the moment...)

i have never needed anything so much in my whole life. i don't even think i realized how much i needed it until it was over. i think (and am hoping) that our experiences will tide us over until we can explore eachother again. But, interestingly, the fire in me is burning more intense than ever.

i am ready to serve You and to dedicate myself to You, now more than ever before.

With my complete love and adoration,

a.

Impulsivity...

Here we go again... up...down...up...down... and this time it is my fault....

Impulsivity: one more character trait in me that You can't stand.

What i did, at the time seemed right. Of course, talking about it with You now makes me see the other side. The unintended consequences. Unfortunately, i don't know how to fix that, ecxcept to say, "i apologize. Sincerely."

i really thought that my handling it in my confrontational way was best. i thought it would be expected from me by them and that it would be accepted from me by them. That You would be proud of me. (Crazy i know, but i thought it.) i intentionally didn't pull any punches, didn't sidestep any issues, because i truly don't care at this point. But, in my gunghoedness i didn't think about the fact that i might be doing something detrimental to You. The thought didn't even cross my mind. i was on a mission to try to fix something and didn't see the damage i was leaving in my wake. The truth is, i didn't think about what i wanted the conclusion to be. i wanted him to see that his way is not working, nor will it ever. i wanted him to see that my way is better (totally selfish and childish - i see it now). i wanted to express my displeasure and have it acknowledged. Beyond that i don't know. i want it to be bearable until... But, now You are telling me it isn't and can't be, and i wonder how much of that i caused.

Once again You are right...i should've consulted You first, should've waited for You. But, i wanted to go in there with all MY power (as insignificant as it is) and take care of it. i thought i was protecting all of us.

i am sorry.

Sometimes i think my calling You Daddy is so appropriate. i have learned so much from You, but obviously not enough yet. We got a long way to go baby!!!

Forgive me??

Curious

Have you accidentally used the "i and You" format in any other writing? I've come awfully close a few times. Just curious.

i WANT You!!!

i know it doesn't really matter what i want, but i WANT You!!! More accurately, i NEED You. i need to feel Your hands on my body, the body You possess; your tongue in my mouth, tasting me, while i taste You.