Fear

I feel like shit. I feel like dying. My heart aches. I'm afraid, and I don't know what to do. I feel you slipping away, and I don't know how to stop it - or if I even should try. I know I want this, but I'm starting to feel like you don't any more. And, if you don't, what am I fighting for?

You said you feel like I've been sending mixed signals, but I think we've both been doing that. In or out? You can't decide. You're not sure if it's just the D/s part of our relationship that might need to stop or the entire relationship. What am I supposed to do with that?

Yes, I've been thinking about whether I need to leave work. Mostly, I've just been blowing off steam. Even when I consider the little part that is serious, I do not have a picture in my mind of a future that does not include you somewhere, somehow. You, on the other hand, seem less certain of this. You have always talked about being 'more than friends' forever. I understood this to mean wherever we go and whatever we do. Was that just talk?

I know times have been tough. I don't believe that's enough reason to give up. On the other hand, if you've only been keeping me around for the 'good times,' than I've been a fool and I should. Yes, the good times (in my opinion) have been very good, but I thought we were more than that. Then, you tell me you feel you are supposed to be my relief from - something outside of - the bad things, annoying things, irritating things, and other negative things in life. While this is a wonderful sentiment, it makes me feel you only want the fantasy, not the reality. Maybe that's all you should want. Maybe all of our time together should be outside of the real world and all of it's problems. Since I can't offer anything more substantial at the moment, maybe that's the way it should be. Unfortunately, that idea makes me feel this is all just fooling around, at best, and like I'm a whore, at worst.

I hope you understand what I'm saying, but I'm scared as hell you won't. Please don't just have a knee-jerk reaction to this. If you don't understand or don't agree, at least let's argue about it. Give me a chance to go down fighting.

I am hopelessly in love with you. Even if you hurt me now (as I once predicted you would), that will not change. Is this a serious relationship, or is it just 'for as long as it's fun'? Am I really part of your life, or am I just filling in an empty spot for the moment? Do you love me, or do you just love the way I make you feel? The thing is, . . . what's the thing? . . . , the thing is, I'll still love you no matter how you respond. Even if you tell me I've been nothing but a pleasant distraction from your real life. Even if you tell me I'm not worth all the trouble I've been putting you through. Even if you tell me that 'he' is the real man, and I've been just a bit of fluff on the side you needed to boost your self-confidence, to get him back for not paying enough attention to you, or for whatever reason.

I feel tired. I feel sad. I feel pathetic.

Bet you're wondering whether it was a good idea to tell me you want to know everything I'm thinking, specifically, and without self-editing. Welcome to my world, my wonderful world of depression. I'll understand if this message alone convinces you I am way more trouble than I'm worth. There are plenty of times I don't want my own life; I'll never understand why anyone else would want any part in it.

Melodrama, apparently, is my specialty. Sorry for that. All I can say is, you did ask for it. The bottomline, however, is: I don't want to lose you. I have many more things I want to say. Please give me a chance to say them.

Still here,
still yours,
waiting for a response,
afraid of what it will be,

Frederick