Jealous, Jealous Again
More Thoughts and Feelings:
I've been jealous of you. That's probably no surprise to you, but I don't think I've ever admitted it. Whereas you've gotten jealous in the past at times when you thought I'd had sex with her (whether that was actually the case or not), I get jealous over non-sexual things. The things you do. The way you live your life.
You have friends. I don't. You do things. I don't. Example: tonight. I'm jealous you are out having dinner at a nice place, while I had fast food and watched a DVD - again. This is typical for each of us. On the rare occassion I have had an evening out planned, you have appeared to have a hard time being supportive.
And yes, sometimes I do things to 'retaliate.' I inappropriately do things to 'get back' at you. I, apparently, am mean and petty. No, I don't know why. Example? Sure. You are correct that I have bragged about having a productive days, weeks, and months at work. I didn't intend it to be bragging; I think I was doing it to prove my worth, to myself and to you. I also was probably doing it in response to what I perceived as bragging by you. I cannot believe you thought it wouldn't bother me to hear about your 'problems' with looking at $750,000 homes and trying to decide whether you should just put the money into remodeling. You know that type of thing is completely out of my range. Every conversation was like a knife in my fucking heart.
Why have I decided to say this now? Several reasons. One, this has been bothering me more than usual recently. Two, you have made it clear you want me to be more open, so I'm trying. Three, I'm afraid you may be done with me, and this is my way of refusing to accept that; I am trying to engage you in a discussion about my feelings regarding our relationship under the assumption we still have a relationship to discuss.
So, there it is. I not only don't have the life I want, but I've been forced to watch the-person-I'd-most-like-to-live-that-life-with live it without me. I don't know if that's petty, if it's twisted, or what. But, it is how I've been feeling.
I know this has been affecting my behavior, although I think I'm only now realizing how much. Sorry I didn't say something sooner. I hope we can talk about it.
I miss my best friend.
I've been jealous of you. That's probably no surprise to you, but I don't think I've ever admitted it. Whereas you've gotten jealous in the past at times when you thought I'd had sex with her (whether that was actually the case or not), I get jealous over non-sexual things. The things you do. The way you live your life.
You have friends. I don't. You do things. I don't. Example: tonight. I'm jealous you are out having dinner at a nice place, while I had fast food and watched a DVD - again. This is typical for each of us. On the rare occassion I have had an evening out planned, you have appeared to have a hard time being supportive.
And yes, sometimes I do things to 'retaliate.' I inappropriately do things to 'get back' at you. I, apparently, am mean and petty. No, I don't know why. Example? Sure. You are correct that I have bragged about having a productive days, weeks, and months at work. I didn't intend it to be bragging; I think I was doing it to prove my worth, to myself and to you. I also was probably doing it in response to what I perceived as bragging by you. I cannot believe you thought it wouldn't bother me to hear about your 'problems' with looking at $750,000 homes and trying to decide whether you should just put the money into remodeling. You know that type of thing is completely out of my range. Every conversation was like a knife in my fucking heart.
Why have I decided to say this now? Several reasons. One, this has been bothering me more than usual recently. Two, you have made it clear you want me to be more open, so I'm trying. Three, I'm afraid you may be done with me, and this is my way of refusing to accept that; I am trying to engage you in a discussion about my feelings regarding our relationship under the assumption we still have a relationship to discuss.
So, there it is. I not only don't have the life I want, but I've been forced to watch the-person-I'd-most-like-to-live-that-life-with live it without me. I don't know if that's petty, if it's twisted, or what. But, it is how I've been feeling.
I know this has been affecting my behavior, although I think I'm only now realizing how much. Sorry I didn't say something sooner. I hope we can talk about it.
I miss my best friend.
posted by Frederick at
10:37 PM
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