The Explanation

anastasia was surprised to hear Frederick enter the room. He wasn't supposed to be there for another couple of hours. she had hoped to have been there as an offering to him longer. she was about as good at punishing herself as He was. In fact, sometimes she was harsher. He hadn't told her to be there, but obviously He knew that was where she would go.

she had expected aomw rypw of physical act of punishment, so when He spoke she jumped because she was startled. He asked her to explain herself, something she often had difficulty doing. But, in this instance, she was sure of herself and of her comment and she had to make Him understand.

"Frederick, i almost wish there was no safety net. i trust you so completely that i have never used it, nor do i believe i will ever need to. You know me. You know my limitations. Although You sometimes make me push my own boundries, i trust You never to hurt me and never to let harm come to me. That is why i don't use the safe word. To me it almost doesn't exist. So, when i begged You not to make me do what You were asking, i leaving the power with You...instead of taking it back to myself and using the safe word. Truthfully, i did not even consider using it. The thought did not even enter my mind. It was not until You reminded me that it existed that i considered if i would have changed the way any of it happened. And at this moment i can confidently tell You i wouldn't have changed any of it. i am willing to take any punishment You levy. But again, that is because You have the power to levy it. i don't want the power in our relationship. As we have discussed before, i appreciate that You listen to my point of view, consider it, and then You make the decisions. That is what i love about our relationship and i am not willing to take any of that power away from You by using the safe word. The only time i can even contemplate it would be necessary is if we get too engrosed in something and i can not bear the pain or i feel like You are so deep that You have lost focus on me and my physical or emotional well-being. But, again, i can not even imagine that happening. So, as far as i am concerned, it doesn't exist because it doesn't have to.

That is why i said that You had more power. You had the power to change Your mind. i am grateful that You did change Your mind. However, if You hadn't, i suppose i would have performed the act that You requested. Would You have been satisfied with my emotional break as a result? Could i have gotten over the fact that You had no idea, despite my pleading, that it was a serious issue for me? Would You have been satisfied that from there on out i would be afraid of You and the fact that some of the decisions You make in the future may be harmful to me physically or emotionally? i don't want to question Your decisions and how they affect me. i want to believe that Your decisions are made with Your knowledge of me and Your love for me. i don't ever want to be afraid of You. i don't believe that You want me to be afraid of You. If You do, i may need to reconsider our relationship.

i feel relieved that these questions are ones that never needed answering. i can only hope that You realize that i do not beg lightly. In fact, is there ever any other instance that You remember me begging? i thank You for Your compassion. i thank You for seeing past my reluctance to perform one of Your commands; seeing past it, deep into me, and recognizing that you had the power to crush my spirit and instead You chose to release the obligation.

Thank You for Your love. Thank You for using Your power wisely and with forethought. i am sorry about the strife that my actions caused. And i am sorry that i made You doubt Yourself because truly, today i could not feel more owned, nor more willing to submit to you."

Through the monologue He was so quiet. she had kept her head down in an act of submission, and she wondered if he had been able to hear all of what she had to say through her tears. Again she waited...