You are coming back...Yeah!!!

i am so relieved that You are coming back. Thank You for e-mailing me and for calling me. It makes things so much better.

i was thinking of erasing the posts from when You were gone, but decided that they are representative of how i was feeling. So, when You read them, please take them for what they are and we can talk about them. Please don't get mad or upset...and if You aren't in the right frame of mind, don't read them.

i am glad You are on Your way back.

Learning Process

Okay, so i really felt better today after talking to You last night. But, then i got Your e-mail this morning. i appreciate the trouble You had to go to to find a computer and send me an e-mail while on board, but i find it interesting that You couldn't make a ship-to-shore call to "check in." (i told You before You left that You probably wouldn't have cell service out of the country.)

So, now i am upset again because i won't talk to You until tomorrow. And, i'm a little irritated that the minimal effort seems to be enough. But, You have never been through this experience before and so, maybe (giving You the benefit of the doubt) You didn't know you could make such a call...or maybe calling from a pay phone in town never crossed Your mind...instead You get to go off on Your little tour or whatever and think "Oh well, I can't talk to her today."

i do feel like You want to make contact but You just aren't being very creative about how to do it. That seems to be a recurring theme in our relationship. You have always had difficulty finding "time to get away to make a call." Like i said yesterday, i put myself in jeopardy to call You all the time and You have a legitimate reason to call me...with this big presentation coming up...even if she or anyone else is around! So here i am again alone and without contact.

Anyway, i am back to feeling sorry for myself, feeling jealous that You are away and don't have to think about this place, and feeling anxious about Saturday, and feeling totally unsupported.

Now hurt...

Just got Your e-mail..soooo personal...and am sitting here remembering the times that i have been away and have snuck to the bathroom, balcony, or just someplace i could be alone for a minute so i could call and hear Your voice. OR how about the times i have taken the chance and called while he was in the shower or stepped out for a fraction of a second. i guess that isn't important to You. Once again i talked to You once yesterday...no text, no email not concerning work, no I miss you, no effort to call me when she was getting ready for dinner, no secret trip to the balcony of the ship to call me even if just for a moment, no nothing. And there was no excuse of me having plans to be somewhere else. i had no plans. in fact, i worked until 6:45 and then went home.

Well, i guess we'll see if You call today, if You make the effort, or if ONE mere e-mail is sufficient for You. i guess then i'll know how much i matter. Whatever...

Angry...

Okay, today i am angry.

i am angry that You are gone. Angry that You obligated us for Saturday and i have to do it alone. Angry that You are off on your "working vacation" and found about an hour to work and the rest is playtime. i am seriously going to schedule a vacation of my own.

i went back and checked my phone records for the "infamous" time i was away for those 2 work days and 1.5 weekend days... Here is what i found...

i called 2 times on Thursday after i left and had already talked to You in the morning, 2 times on Friday, no times on Saturday because my phone was dead (but i talked to You because You called someone else's phone (if You remember)) and 2 times on Sunday. And then, if i am not mistaken, i bypassed going somewhere else and saw You on Sunday!

SO, YOU ARE NO LONGER ABLE TO GIVE ME SHIT ABOUT THE TIME I WAS GONE. And, i think You owe me an apology. The only times i have talked to You while You have been gone have been at MY doing. MY calling. And then...nothing... because You can't seem to find the time for me. Now i am supposed to understand that it is hard for You to get away? Thanks for the effort!!! Seriously.

i think i am unavailable until this passes...

missing You already...

You left a while ago and i am already missing You. i hate knowing that i will not see Your bright smile tomorrow. i hate knowing that i may not hear Your resounding voice. i hate knowing that it will be days until You hold me again and whisper in my ear that You love me. Please hurry back to me.