Toxic
Ever wonder that as good as we are for eachother, we are equally as toxic for eachother? How long has it been since we started a day off good and ended it good? How long has it been since You were in as good a mood after You saw me as before i walked in the door? How long has it been since we were happy together...unirritated, attitudeless, carefree (You know what i mean)? How long has it been since we made sense for a whole day and not just in a moment? Mind You, the moments are great! But, why can't we have greatness for more than just a moment at a time?
Yesterday i was determined to have a better day than the one before. i just wanted to be relaxed, easy, unfocused. But the "me" that i wanted to be obviously didn't mesh with the "me" that You wanted. Maybe our problem is that i can't be the "me" that You want. We know that we can't be the "we" that we want to be all the time and that has been a source of difficulty. But, maybe it is greater than that. Maybe it is me. i want to submit to You. i want for You to be in control and to make the decisions. i want to defer to Your decisions. But, i don't think that is enough. You want an attitude that is foreign to me and i can't get it right. It isn't enough for You to know that i am Yours and have given You the control. You want me to prove it all the time. And, it seems however You want me to do it, i am not getting it right.
Another thing...My feelings were really hurt by your mocking yesterday. You know that my faith is important to me. Although You don't agree with it, and although i am not setting a good example for it, there is no reason for You to laugh at me and say You want to "gouge" Your eyes out at hearing my explanation in response to Your question. You had to know that my answer was going to be something You didn't agree with or want to hear, so why did You ask? i don't believe i have ever laughed at You over something that was really important to You. (If i have, please let me know.) If it is something You just can't accept about me, i guess it good to find that out now.
Maybe "it" is the full moon (did You know we were having a full moon?), my PMS, or the current stress we both are under, or a combination of all three. But, whatever "it" is, we need to figure it out because whatever "IT" is is poisining US and if You aren't feeling the same, You have to know it is poisining me! If we are going to be together forever, like i thought we wanted, and if we are going to successfully execute Plan B, we have to figure out how to make things better.
Ready for any suggestions or decisions You make...
Yesterday i was determined to have a better day than the one before. i just wanted to be relaxed, easy, unfocused. But the "me" that i wanted to be obviously didn't mesh with the "me" that You wanted. Maybe our problem is that i can't be the "me" that You want. We know that we can't be the "we" that we want to be all the time and that has been a source of difficulty. But, maybe it is greater than that. Maybe it is me. i want to submit to You. i want for You to be in control and to make the decisions. i want to defer to Your decisions. But, i don't think that is enough. You want an attitude that is foreign to me and i can't get it right. It isn't enough for You to know that i am Yours and have given You the control. You want me to prove it all the time. And, it seems however You want me to do it, i am not getting it right.
Another thing...My feelings were really hurt by your mocking yesterday. You know that my faith is important to me. Although You don't agree with it, and although i am not setting a good example for it, there is no reason for You to laugh at me and say You want to "gouge" Your eyes out at hearing my explanation in response to Your question. You had to know that my answer was going to be something You didn't agree with or want to hear, so why did You ask? i don't believe i have ever laughed at You over something that was really important to You. (If i have, please let me know.) If it is something You just can't accept about me, i guess it good to find that out now.
Maybe "it" is the full moon (did You know we were having a full moon?), my PMS, or the current stress we both are under, or a combination of all three. But, whatever "it" is, we need to figure it out because whatever "IT" is is poisining US and if You aren't feeling the same, You have to know it is poisining me! If we are going to be together forever, like i thought we wanted, and if we are going to successfully execute Plan B, we have to figure out how to make things better.
Ready for any suggestions or decisions You make...
posted by Anastasia at
9:13 AM
2 Comments:
I'm not sure how to respond.
As you know, I've been easily irritated lately. I've really needed your support and encouragement, and I haven't been feeling that. Just as I am being forced to confront the problems with my health, you have a crisis with a friend that puts the focus on your problems. While I'm dealing with the pain of one health problem and worrying about potential complications of others, you need me to talk you through being upset about something a completely self-centered friend has said to you. If wishing you would show a bit more concern for my problems is expecting "an attitude that is foreign to [you]," then I guess that's the way it is. I'm not going to apologize for that.
I told you I've been feeling neglected. You've hardly worked any weekends for a while now, and you've also been working less late nights than usual. I know you've had a lot going on, and I'm trying to understand that, but that doesn't make my feelings any less real. It's also been hard having to hear that you've asked for this day or that day to be kept clear on 'his' schedule for various things you will be doing. It's not your fault and I'm not blaming you, but it has been difficult for me. I guess I'm feeling like you can make time for 'him' and you can make time for your friends, but you're not making time for me. I'm not saying that's true, it's just how I've been feeling.
It's also hard feeling like I'm not 'enough' for you. You've been unhappy ever since our third wheel left. It has been taking you longer than I expected to deal with that. I was not surprised when your productivity dropped right after he left, but it hasn't picked back up. I know that's not the only reason, but it has been a significant part of it. You are stressed out by your low productivity, but I don't see you getting any closer to correcting it. I hate that I feel like there's nothing I can do to help. I feel like I'm not what able to give you whatever it is you need. I feel like I'm just not 'enough' for you.
It's funny you say I want you "to prove it all the time." How many times have you said that you want and need to feel my control over you more often? How many of those times was that said specifically because you had not been feeling my control over you? You say it isn't enough for me to know that you are mine and have given me the control, but you have said it isn't enough for you to just know that you are mine and have given me the control - you want to feel it, to actually experience it. Why would it be wrong for me, likewise, to want to feel and experience your submission to me? In any event, I don't remember even implying that you're "not getting it right." Why do you assume that to be the case?
I apologize for mocking you yesterday. I can only say it was a kneejerk reaction to your calling me a blasphemer. I know your beliefs are important to you, but please remember that mine are important to me, too. I do and say things because of those beliefs. I am willing to accept your beliefs, so long as you can accept that mine conflict with yours. If that is something you can't accept about me, however, I guess this is a good time to find out.
Frankly, I don't believe I am feeling whatever you are. I don't feel like our relationship is poisoning me, and I'm sorry to hear you do. I do know, however, that I've been feeling that you're not happy. I'm not sure if I can figure out how to fix something I can't even identify. I want things to be better, too, but I also don't feel things are as bad for me as you say they are for you.
It sounds to me like you're tired of us. It certainly has been feeling that way to me recently. I feel like you're just not telling me what you want. From my point of view, I am more deeply involved than ever, but I've been feeling like you're pulling back. What do you want? If you want us, then put some energy into us. I appreciate your posting on your this morning per my prior instruction. I know it wasn't easy for you, and I think it was a step in the right direction. I am still positive about us and want things to work out, but I need to know you're on board. You are, aren't you?
By
Frederick, at 11:44 AM
BTW, I forgot something.
you say you're "[r]eady for any suggestions or decisions [I] make..."; well, here goes: I suggest we find a way to get over this crap because I've decided there is no alternative.
Whatever "it" is, "it" can go fuck itself. The full moon, PMS, or otherwise. you're Mine. Period.
Understood?
By
Frederick, at 6:22 PM
Post a Comment
<< Home