From Here

From here on, I need to change. I cannot continue this way. I'm not even sure what that means, but it must mean something. I spent many hours yesterday in the most depressed state I think I've ever experienced. And, I can't even say why.

you need to think very hard and decide what you are willing to do. I know you offered to stop drinking (so much) and/or to stop getting into situations like that, but I don't know if you had a chance to really think it through. If I decide I need either of those things, both of those things, or something else to make this work, will you really be okay with that? Will you feel I am asking you to not be yourself? There is no point in trying to implement a solution we can't both live with.

I can't remember the last time I was that upset about anything, if ever. And worst of all, I still can't adequately explain it. The closest I've gotten is to realize I am at least partially upset because you have told Me many times you would be happy just to sit at my feet, yet when you had the opportunity to just sit where I could see you and enjoy knowing you belong to Me, you chose to act as if you didn't belong to Me by sitting somewhere else, with someone else, at a time when you knew I could do nothing about it. This is what led to my meeting you outside the bathroom to tell you I was leaving. From my point of view, why would I stay when you had, at minimum, been disrepectful to Me and, at most, had abandoned My ownership? This, of course, doesn't explain everything by a long shot, but it's the best example I could think of.

I know you've said you had too much to drink, and I know that's true. The problem is that all the drinking does is make you forget there may be consequences to your actions. The drinking does not make you want to do things that you otherwise would not want to do. Whether it was jealousy, an attempt to punish Me for not paying enough attention to you, or a subconscious need for a greater level of attention than you felt you were getting, you hurt Me deeply. More than I think I even realized.

That's why I'm not sure if the solution is simply not drinking or not getting into those situations. It doesn't solve the underlying problem. To do that, you need to tell Me what the underlying problem is. Why did you do that and other things that hurt Me that night and that weekend? How many times did I need to hear how one of our group looks like a particular movie star (including when you were sober and I had already told you I was bothered by that person)? Why is it so hard for you to seek my permission before going off to dance or flirt with other men, rather than just doing whatever the hell you want and expecting Me to wait until you've gone farther than I can handle and then attempt to reign you in (and I do mean attempt considering your inebriated condition and the limitations of acting in a public setting with people who aren't supposed to know I have a right to direct your actions).

you say things that hurt and then say you were teasing or didn't mean anything by it. you haven't said much in quite a while to make Me feel the way you say I should feel. We specifically talked about my wanting you to say specific, positive things to Me, but we've been back all week and I can't think of one. I am willing to admit, however, that you may have said something and it is just my state of mind preventing Me from remembering. Can you help jog my memory?

I guess that's part of my problem. I rely on you to boost my ego, and I shouldn't. On the other hand, even if I stop needing you to say and do certain things to feed my ego, that doesn't solve the problem of my feeling slighted by what I perceive as your being disrespectful. I don't think I'll ever feel that ownership of you means letting you do whatever you want, not doing anything myself that might upset you in any way, and just trusting that you would never cross a line of behavior that you admittedly cannot even tell Me where it is. I know that was convoluted, but I hope it made sense. Taking your own argument to the extreme, I should be okay with you going off and fucking a couple of guys because if I wanted to stop you I could and I am really the only one you want anyway. But, if I'm not giving you that attention, you should be allowed to get it somewhere. (If you wanted to be ignored, you could stay at home. Right?) I know this interpretation of your position is ridiculous, but you have yet to be able to tell Me where the line is. So, what am I supposed to do?

I feel like I'm just rambling now. I dearly hope this isn't pissing you off. That isn't my intent, at all. I am trying to figure out what the problem is, so we can work through it. I know you can choose to be offended. you could choose to tell Me why I'm wrong. Neither of those things will help. I feel the way I feel, right or wrong. I am willing to do an awful lot to resolve this, but I have to know where you're at. Are you willing to let Me impose some rules on your behavior? I mean really willing? I don't want you to resent it later, and I certainly don't want you to go along with things until you reach a point where you decide (consciously or subconsciously) to lash out at Me somehow.

I have done so much because I thought it was what you wanted and needed, and it is all falling down on Me now. I let you have fun and do what you wanted because you are always saying you don't want to have to stop being yourself, and because it makes Me feel weak to want you to stop doing things that should be harmless. Unfortunately, they're not harmless to Me.

If you don't want to bother any more, I understand. Right now, I'm not feeling worthy of owning anyone, and particularly not someone like you. We have both proposed ideas to handle the situation, but you've also made it clear you don't think they should be necessary -- I should just be okay with all of this. And maybe you're right. But I'm not. And that's the way it is. Maybe if I actually owned you -- if we went home at the end of the day and I could fuck you senseless -- then I wouldn't be so jealous and need you to be so deferential to Me, but that's not our situation. If this is going to continue, I think we need to work out an acceptable level of your freedom vs. my need for you to ask permission to do things. When everything is said and done, there was little that happened this past weekend that would have bothered Me if you had simply asked first. This also would have minimized the impact of those things that still wouldn't have been okay.

That's all for now. It's your turn.