i don't wanna...

i apologize for missing my post yesterday. i apologize for forgetting. i have been feeling so disconnected from the post for quite awhile and can't really explain why. However, i have no excuse.

Yes, i am wearing Your clip. Yes, it is making me uncomfortable. No, i don't want to be doing any of this.

my mood is so sour and i will try to change it by this evening. i really can't explain it either. When i was touching myself and thinking of You, i felt warm and happy. But, after leaving that place and entering back into reality, i feel cold and lifeless. i called Jane to see if she could do lunch, but of course she can't. i guess i can call Nathan. (Just got a call this very instant that Jane can go to lunch...) But the truth is i want to be with You. i know You are going to reply with some sappy response telling me You want to be with me too, but today i really don't want to hear it. i know we want to be together, but the truth is we can't and that really irritates me!!! Of course, taking it out on You is not appropriate either. i just am not sure that that is all it is.

You not being here makes so many things start running through my head. i never knew i could be so jealous. Like how the other day, when You came in my mouth it wasn't very much. Of course i started thinking that the reason You didn't cum alot is because You are cumming somewhere else. (Please don't tell me if i am right or wrong. i am just spewing my thoughts.) It really isn't any of my business, but it was what i was thinking.

i guess i am feeling disconnected. i don't like feeling disconnected, but i feel like i should somehow disconnect too to protect myself. You have a whole life seperate from me now. Before it was less because we were able to spend so much time together. But, now we can't and i am once again the true mistress, the one who gets a telephone call when You can get away or when You have "a spare moment" away from Your real life, the one who is backburnered. And to tell You the truth, i guess i would be okay with being the mistress if i was treated like the mistress. But lately i feel like the wife who is secondary to everything else and treated with disregard because there is a confidence that i will still be around in the end because of my loyalty and affection to You. And i know i am being backburnered for things that are setting up our future, so in that regard i know i am being a brat. It's really funny because i think You once expressed the same concern that our relationship was going to change because of our plans and now i am feeling it and don't know how to fix it.

This is sooooo stupid and totally unfair. i am going to try to snap out of it!!!