Why i Wore White

You asked me to think about what happened yesterday and to post if i came up with an answer so here goes...

i wore white. Not just any white, but Your white (yes i found them). i would have told You that they weren't just any white. But You never asked. Now, one might wonder why would i wear panties that rip up my ass? Because i wanted to feel owned. Because the pain i endure reminds me that i am Yours and those panties were special for you. Because i thought that You liked it when i wore them. Because i thought it might "turn You on" or something like that. Instead i got no response...not to the text and not anytime after. i even went to the trouble of searching for some stockings to wear and wore them just for You. Again, no response. my disappointment is my own because i had my expectations set such that i thought maybe You would demand to see them at some point, that maybe i would get some reaction. And when You didn't say anything or act like it mattered, it was surprising beacuse it mattered to me...a lot. It was kinda my offer of proof that i thought we were back.

i guess yeaterday i just really needed to feel us, to know that we are back. And, it was disappointing to learn that maybe we aren't. The sassyness was another way of trying to get a reaction from You. It was the mood i was in, but i suppose the mood was realted to my need to be Yours and to feel like You wanted me to be Yours.

How did i expect You to react??? Well, i suppose i should have realized that You are probably a little gunshy. i caused that with the whole thing we went through 2 weeks ago. But, i think lately You have been very serious and my pushing has created a sullen, mad reaction instead of a lighthearted yet firm reaction. What did i want from You? The pulling of my hair and pulling me into a kiss was perfect, but the silent treatment was not. That felt like You were mad. Instead, i think i thought maybe You would stop me in my tracks, tell me to march back upstairs to get the clip and put it on while we were working out to remind me of who i belong to. Not only would it be torture, but it would reestablish Your control. Instead i got the silent treatment which made me feel alone, unwanted and unprotected. You of all people know that i can get those feelings elsewhere and that is not why i am dedicated to us, that is not part of the us bargain.

i think there is a delicate balance between dominance through abandonment and dominance through assertiveness. At this point i really want and need the latter. i know that there is probably a proper time for the former and it is up to You to control what You think i need at any given time and to control our relationship, but i really felt like i said...like i wore a sexy outfit to bed and got completely ignored. i didn't feel owned. i felt abandoned and unloved and i felt like You were apathetic toward me and about me. i felt like it didn't matter to You... the trouble that i had gone through, the painstakenly way i dressed in the morning with only You in mind, the way that i desperately wanted to engage You in a way we haven't encountered in so long.

i am trying to comply with the rules of not speaking until spoken to, using Your proper name whenever possible, asking You for permission for things, consulting Your opinion before making big decisions, deferring to Your decisions... i just don't feel like i am getting Frederick. i feel like i am getting Fred.

i know that it is going to take us some time to get it right, but i really need the assertive You to come back. i really need You to take control of me. i really need to feel like i belong to You and that You want me to...not only with Your words, but with Your actions. Unless maybe You have changed Your mind and what You want is a little closer to vanilla. If things have changed for You, please let me know so i can adjust accordingly.