Limitless Dysfunction
Frederick,
I guess what I was trying to convey is that again I want more. I desire the pain because it makes me turned on. Just thinking about it makes me wet, and actually getting it puts me over the top. I think I could get to a point where I could orgasm without actual stimulation because I already feel such ecstasy when you spank me, especially when you spank me hard.
I really want you to feel the same way; that every spanking or paddling causes a stir in your cock that you can not get from a touch, suck, or fuck. Because, when you do it to me, it makes my pussy ache. Besides, this part of our relationship is ours. Anyone else can suck you, touch you, or fuck you. I want you to fuck me, to own me, to use me, and satisfy your all your animal fantasies and desires with me.
The issue is not only about the physical, sexual side of all of this. I also want you to be just as rough and forceful with me in every other way. I am obsessive about feeling your control and ownership over me. I want you to order me around and make decisions for me. I want to submit to you and I want it to be pleasing to you when I do because it gives me great pleasure.
It is like a Pandora's Box. I wonder if you knew what you were getting yourself into when you found this nugget inside of me. The thing is (what's the thing???)...The thing is I just want to be sure that you want all these things too. Maybe I am getting too far to the left of what you thought you wanted??
I am on the verge of getting even more graphic in my other writings, and I feel like I am going to scare you. (Probably because I am scaring myself.) I am realizing how important this is to me and how intense I want it to get (but again, not just on the sexual side of things).
You asked if there was something that you had done to make me question things...It isn't what you have done, but rather what you haven't. I have told you some of this before, and maybe you didn't believe me, maybe you thought you knew what was best for me and that is less intensity because I can't handle how you really want to treat me (which is what I hope it is because I want you to give me all you've got), maybe you can't figure out how to implement it, or maybe it doesn't "do anything" for you (which is what I fear the most), but I feel like I am wanting more pain, more servitude, more "je ne sais quoi" (it is so hard to find the right word for it, although you probably can), than you want to give, or than you want period. I feel like I am more intense than you, and I don't want our relationship to become one of obligation (on your part - because I feel completely obligated to you, as I should as your slave) instead of desire.
just being insecure...
anastasia
I guess what I was trying to convey is that again I want more. I desire the pain because it makes me turned on. Just thinking about it makes me wet, and actually getting it puts me over the top. I think I could get to a point where I could orgasm without actual stimulation because I already feel such ecstasy when you spank me, especially when you spank me hard.
I really want you to feel the same way; that every spanking or paddling causes a stir in your cock that you can not get from a touch, suck, or fuck. Because, when you do it to me, it makes my pussy ache. Besides, this part of our relationship is ours. Anyone else can suck you, touch you, or fuck you. I want you to fuck me, to own me, to use me, and satisfy your all your animal fantasies and desires with me.
The issue is not only about the physical, sexual side of all of this. I also want you to be just as rough and forceful with me in every other way. I am obsessive about feeling your control and ownership over me. I want you to order me around and make decisions for me. I want to submit to you and I want it to be pleasing to you when I do because it gives me great pleasure.
It is like a Pandora's Box. I wonder if you knew what you were getting yourself into when you found this nugget inside of me. The thing is (what's the thing???)...The thing is I just want to be sure that you want all these things too. Maybe I am getting too far to the left of what you thought you wanted??
I am on the verge of getting even more graphic in my other writings, and I feel like I am going to scare you. (Probably because I am scaring myself.) I am realizing how important this is to me and how intense I want it to get (but again, not just on the sexual side of things).
You asked if there was something that you had done to make me question things...It isn't what you have done, but rather what you haven't. I have told you some of this before, and maybe you didn't believe me, maybe you thought you knew what was best for me and that is less intensity because I can't handle how you really want to treat me (which is what I hope it is because I want you to give me all you've got), maybe you can't figure out how to implement it, or maybe it doesn't "do anything" for you (which is what I fear the most), but I feel like I am wanting more pain, more servitude, more "je ne sais quoi" (it is so hard to find the right word for it, although you probably can), than you want to give, or than you want period. I feel like I am more intense than you, and I don't want our relationship to become one of obligation (on your part - because I feel completely obligated to you, as I should as your slave) instead of desire.
just being insecure...
anastasia
posted by Anastasia at
1:56 PM
1 Comments:
anastasia,
Can I tell you I'm scared without losing your respect? Can I tell you I have doubts without you doubting me? What do I want? I'm not always sure I know. I think I have to do something to decide where it falls into my list of desires. There are many things I want to try that I may or may not like after having done them. I don't know, and I don't see how I could before having the experience. At this point, I can assure you I at least want to try all of the things we have discussed so far -- and maybe a few we haven't.
Dearest anastasia, I want to bark orders at you and watch you scramble to comply. I want to tell you what a good girl you've been, and I want you to beg forgiveness when you fuck up. Do you really want these things, too? How close are our visions of this fantasy-turned-reality? Are you really not going to get tired of my telling you what to do? I so want to impose my will on you in a complete and total manner, but I fear your eventual rejection of the collar. Can you assure me you will remain mine, "to have and to scold," even when you are displeased with some instruction, direction, or exertion of control? I know you have said so, but it is still difficult for me to imagine. How many times have we discussed me not having "the script." This type of control will not allow for you to impose your own script on me. Are you prepared to give up your expectations of what you think you want to happen?
Don't misunderstand. I still want to please you, but I cannot afford to be constrained by fear of not pleasing you or following some unwritten script. I look forward to your upcoming blog entries, particularly to the extent they reveal more of your desires and needs. Do not hesitate to become more graphic. The more explicit you can be, the more I will understand and be able to act on that understanding.
There are many reasons why things have gone slowly to this point. They may well continue to proceed at this pace; I haven't decided how I intend to move forward. Even if I had, I reserve the right to change my mind and make adjustments as necessary. I feel your great desire and your need to explore this further. Despite whatever you might think, however, you are actually quite fragile. I am still afraid I might break you (and not in a good way). I want to give you everything for which you yearn, but I am also well aware of your fear of abandonment and other issues that may rear their ugly heads if you get in too deep, too fast. Feel free to disagree, but I know I'm right and we both know who's in charge. Right?
Have patience. I do not believe there is anything you want that I do not.
Be secure,
Frederick
By
Frederick, at 3:52 PM
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