Last Night

I'm sorry if I'm asking too much. When I'm not feeling well, I don't want to be 'babied'. In fact, I very much resented your implying that I was 'complaining without words' by coughing or whatever. You're right, I don't get sick often. Doesn't that lead you to believe this is not just me exagerrating. I fucking hate this. The sick feeling in my stomach. The crap running from my nose down my throat. The coughing and praying I won't need to grab a garbage can. That said, I do not want to be coddled. I want you to act as if everything's fine. As I said in the beginning, I'm sorry if that's asking too much, but it is the way I feel.

I'm glad you had a good day. I certainly didn't intend to ruin it. I worked very hard today, and I really didn't feel appreciated. Maybe that's just my problem. I don't even know what I expected you to do or say. I just didn't feel like I was getting what I needed. I don't know. It probably goes back to my being sick. I felt you should be happy that you were able to take care of yourself and your personal things, and that you should allow me a bit of crankiness as my 'reward' for, not only agreeing that you should do those things, but insisting that you do them. I suppose my allowing you to be happy doesn't equate to your allowing me to be unhappy, but in my mind it does.

I apologize for my behavior. I am dearly wishing for a 'good day' today. We've worked hard. We deserve it. I'll put on my game face, no matter how I really feel. I hope you know me well enough to know that.

I'm sorry if I seemed cold. I'm still concerned that you're not really okay. I'm feeling better about myself, but I guess it's a bit harder to feel better about us. I don't feel like you're okay. It's probably a vicious cycle: I don't think you're okay, I act cold to keep from pushing you or feeling hurt myself, you feel my cold behavior and back off a bit, and I interpret your behavior as meaning you're not okay. And around we go again. Regardless, I'll try to act 'normal', although I'm not even sure what that means any more.

Well, it's late and I really need a warm, comfortable bed and some rest. So, I'm going to close this for now. I hope we get a chance to talk tomorrow.

With love,
F.